Distance will not fade our love away,
it has rather made us stronger everyday.
For the patience and faith you have in us,
I won’t let you have any distrust.
We’ll get through everything and anything at all,
One day, we’ll cast a single shadow on the wall.
Thank you for giving me a chance, to have loved you, and to continue loving you.
Words are not enough to say, I LOVE YOU.
I’ll make this short and simple.
There’s this English band called The Rolling Stones. They have a song entitled “You can’t always get what you want”. And within the song, the lyrics goes:
No, you can’t always get what you want
But if you try sometime, you just might find
You get what you need
Lola, I know, in the last years of your life, I have not provided what you want – for us, the family, to be together always. I have been busy – to help provide what you need, the only way I know how, financially. The things is, I was wrong. Yes, I might have gave you comfort, but not happiness. The happiness you deserve.
Lola, Sorry. Thank you. Goodbye. I love you.
I REMEMBER.
I remember her.
I remember how she looks. Her face, her eyes, her smile.
I remember the way she walks, the way she talks
I remember the jokes, the laughter, and the endless talks
I remember we were happy
WE WERE.
We were blissful when together
We were a team, a formidable one
We were goofy around each other
We were doing things together
We were happy we had each other.
WE HAD.
We had the ship to sail smoothly
We had the love we thought we will never have
We had the happiness we thought we can never get
We had an end plan, with one another
We had everything, so I thought.
I THOUGHT
I thought we can never be apart
I thought it can last
I thought that the search was over
I thought all we want was to be with each other
I thought everything will last forever
EVERYTHING
Written July 2010
As far as I know, I don’t have any phobia – until the day my Lolo (grandfather) died. I was with him when he kicked the bucket. It was a moment I will never forget for the rest of my life.
Emotions came pouring in like lava coming out of a volcano; hot, slow and destructive.
I ignored people consoling me. I don’t want to see anyone, I don’t want to talk to anyone, I don’t want to hear anyone, I don’t want to have to do something with anyone. I wanted to be alone, and think. It is the best course of action for an introvert like me; a time for myself to process everything that’s happening.
I’m in a room, alone and crying for a time I don’t know how long have been. I have never shed that many tears in my life. When I was about to control my crying, it hit me. Random thoughts rushed into my head – about mortality.
What was it like being dead? All the memories while you are living, where would they be? Is our consciousness really gone when we die? Is there an afterlife?
Everyone will eventually die. Every person that I know will die. I. WILL. DIE.
Those thoughts gave me goosebumps and sent shiver through my whole body. My mouth felt dry, and sweat started to build up on my palms. I felt a feeling I have never felt before. I was worried, nervous and uneasy. I started panicking, I wanted to run, hug someone but I can’t. I was frozen. Followed by uncontrollable crying, again.
I thought it will be a onetime feeling for that day only, because of the trauma (grandpa died), but as time passes it is becoming more prevalent to me. The thought of being dead has become more and more frequent accompanied by the strange feeling. We are all aware that natural life will end; it’s a fact. It is constantly at the back of our minds but most people do not think about it –unfortunately, not me. That thought is like a gun always aimed at my head. I know the trigger will be pressed and I will be shot, but I don’t know when. Sometimes it will hit me before sleeping, after waking up, while watching a movie, in the middle of a freaking working day. I can never tell when, but every time a bullet pierce my brain, I always cry, like f-cking ALWAYS.
It was then that I realized – I have a morbid fear of being dead (to clear things, I am not afraid of dead people, I am afraid of my own mortality, of me ceasing to exists), or Thanatophobia – as what folks with high IQ would call it. You may be wondering as to, why someone would have a fear of being dead if they have not experienced dying? I wish I could answer that question, like I wish I could stop the thought. But no, in fact I have just experienced it again thus me writing this piece. I need to vent this feeling out.
Death is inevitable, it is a part of an ugly cycle we call life. It is something that we have no control of, but – Fear is only experienced when the mind allows it. I should be focusing on controlling it. It’s funny that I am suffering more from imagination than reality but that’s the lemon that life has given me. I need to accept it to keep my sanity intact.
June 1, 2015. A month after I decided to quit smoking. Woke up with a heavy chest as if someone was sitting on it. Widthrawal symptoms are getting worst. Got in to the bathroom, thinking – why the hell did chose to quit cold turkey.
Well, before quitting, i did some research on what method should i do (and to prepare myself). Cold Turkey has the higest success rate. 70-80% of people who chose the method have successfully quit long term. But – i was also warned, other methods, like assisted medication (nicotine patches, pills, etc.) helps mitigate the withdrawal symptoms and is much more tolerable than sudden stopping while on the other hand, quitting abruptly would have unbearable widthrawal symptoms. Yeah, they used the word “unbearable”. That should have given me a hint on what’s coming to me, but no; having read that word did not linger on my mind. I was so focused on the sysmptoms itself so i continued reading and skipping some pharagraphs which contains some advice (wish i shouldn’t have done that). Anyway…
This information is what I am really interested in.
True enough, i have experienced every one of those. It was brutal. It was hell.
The article said that the chance of success depends on other factors – daily routine, habits, extent of addiction, support from other people – not just the person’s “willpower”. It will really depend on your personality. So, “personality”. 4 weeks into it and the pessimistic side of me is kicking in, “I am most likely to fall of the wagon anytime soon” “Should I stop now and start smoking again?” – it’s what has been circling in my head.
Then I realized. I am a drug addict. Addicted to a drug called Nicotine. A f-cking ugly realization. I need to STOP.
I am getting it out of my system. After the widthrawal stage, it will be out of me completely, gone forever. If i take one now, even a small amount, just a little consumption, It will accomplish nothing. The pain and suffering that I have gone through will be wasted. The effort, the time, everything.
Now, I know what I’m feeling right now will pass. This crucial period. After this, I know that I will have to stay off smoking and always remeber, NEVER TO TAKE ANOTHER PUFF!
Written: June 1, 2015.
At work, staring at my screen,
Doing nothing, Procrastinating
Composing myself to be productive
But my mind is just not active
Imagining the ocean wave
As my chariot for the day
Sun, sand, salt water
That would make the day better
Work is piling up
It’s time to go back
Imagination bubble just pop
It’s 10 based on the clock
It’s time to go home and rest
A beer would be nice
3 bottles would be best
Damn unproductiveness
In case you are wondering what i do for a living, I am a Network Operations Center Team Lead. A group under the big “Information Technology” Department. Everyone knows what IT is and for those who are already working, we know that there’s an IT department in every company – big or small ones, it’s a must. But what everyone don’t know is that IT is divided into several groups depending on specialties. I will not dive deeper into each one but Network Operations Center is one of them.
So, What is NOC? How come we don’t know their existence? Do we need them? Are they important?
Those are some of the questions that I have to answer when people ask me what i do for a living. Simple questions which apparently is hard to answer. Why? Because explaining NOC is complicated. When I hear those questions, there’s a lot going in my mind before uttering a word – to make sure that I answer it in a clear and understandable manner.
Well, to make things simple(?), let me do an analogy.
Imagine a Cruise ship and every crew members are IT people catering to guests as our clients. Like any other organization, there’s a hierarchical level in each crew – the Captain being the highest. He is the overall responsible officer, acting on behalf of the ship’s owner. He needs to ensure that all departments under him perform to his requirements for the sake of the guests. We also have the navigators to make sure that the ship reaches its destination in the safest route possible. There are also architects responsible for the design of the machinery of the ship which they continuously do improvements on and then the engineering departments which continuously maintains the ship’s components whether used by guests directly or not. All for a smooth sailing voyage. There are crew members that caters directly to the guests every time needed and can be easily reached. And then, we have those inspectors. They are responsible in inspecting the ship’s condition 24×7, reports whatever problems they see – big or small and then coordinates with proper departments – be it the engineering, the architects or if necessary, to the captain directly – to make sure that it is fixed. NOC is basically those guys. We have to have a “basic” understanding on each of the ship’s component – when I mean each, I mean everything (from the engine itself to the smallest screw) – to properly assess if it’s good or not. We need to do a diligent job to prevent disastrous things happening to the ship that might have an impact to guests and we need to do it endlessly as long as the ship is in operation.
Now, enough with analogies. A Network Operations Center (NOC) is a place from which IT support monitors and maintain systems and network infrastructure.
NOC is the focal point for network and systems troubleshooting, performance monitoring, and coordination with affiliated networks.
NOC is composed of several folks which has numerous duties in order to ensure the smooth running of systems and network operations. They deal with things such as power outages, network failures, and routing black-holes. There are of course the basic roles, such as remote hands support, configuration of hardware (such as routers and switches). NOC engineers are also responsible for monitoring activity, such as network usage, infrastructure changes, etc.
When IT is operating at peak efficiency, end-users or clients isn’t even aware of NOC’s presence, BUT – we can assure you that we are here. We are here to prevent possible IT problems that might hinder you from doing your job, and even if the problem is already happening, we are here coordinating with different IT sectors for a faster resolution. We. Are. Here.
With all that said, I’d like to shortly answer above questions:
Who is NOC? – Ship’s inspectors. How come we don’t know their existence? – Now you are. Do we need them? – YES. Are they important? – Hell Yeah!
Good people, Bad people. What defines a person? How do we define them? In my opinion, people are just people, same as each other. But how can we know if what we are doing is good or bad. Do we have standards? Do we have some rules and guidelines that each person needs to do/follow? – For them to be tagged as the good ones. Some people would say that Religion would be the guide to do good things. Well, f-ck. Let me quote something from Steven Weinberg – “Religion is an insult to human dignity. With or without it you would have good people doing good things and bad people doing bad things. But for good people to do bad things, that takes religion.” – in which strongly agree, so let’s not get started with religion.
This is just a thing I am pondering on. To be honest – I do not have a f-cking clue how to define a person, but one thing I do know is what separates one from another is WHAT THEY DO (again, this is just my opinion – just to be clear). Insert Moral Fiber – it is the capacity of a person to do what is right/good no matter what the circumstances are. We do not live in a perfect world and we will not see the perfect one in our lifetime, ever – that is a fact. You can do anything that you think is good and some would still label you as the bad one. It is an ugly lemon that life throws at us. So, as long as you’re not hurting anyone, do what you do. The important thing is at the end of the day, you can look into the mirror and say to yourself, you are a good person.
Before I end this piece, let me leave you with something I picked up (from the internet, of course)
“Sometimes, Good people do Bad things to make Bad people realize what good is”
Ideas of an Overthinking Pessimistic Introvert 